Funny Quotes

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

I can resist everything except temptation.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I never said most of the things I said.

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

My life needs editing.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Funny is an attitude.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

It's a funny old world.

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I keep saying this - and I keep putting it off because I get busy - but I keep saying one year I'm gonna tape our Thanksgiving dinner or, like, our Christmas dinner and maybe put it on my website just for people to see how funny it really is, how much fun it really, really is.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

If it gets laughs, it's funny.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

You can't be funny if you don't have good material.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.