Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

I keep saying this - and I keep putting it off because I get busy - but I keep saying one year I'm gonna tape our Thanksgiving dinner or, like, our Christmas dinner and maybe put it on my website just for people to see how funny it really is, how much fun it really, really is.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

You can't be funny if you don't have good material.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever.

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I never said most of the things I said.

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever.

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

It's a funny old world.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

My life needs editing.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Funny is an attitude.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

If it gets laughs, it's funny.