I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.