This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.

There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

The United States never lost a war or won a conference.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.