Television could perform a great service in mass education, but there's no indication its sponsors have anything like this on their minds.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education.

(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car.

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.