As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.