I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Marriage is the death of hope.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.