The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.