What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.