I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.