There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.