I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.