Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.