I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Never floss with a stranger.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.