Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous.

A man's ability to haggle is never a turn-on. The only thing less romantic than how much you paid is how much you saved. The last thing we want to hear is how you talked the jeweler down on our new earrings.

Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it.

Thank God for Stifler's mom. I don't know if life would be this fun if I didn't have that.

I love that topic, the whole relationship thing, and I think that's why I love all this stuff, the Jane Austen stuff.

I love that topic, the whole relationship thing, and I think that's why I love all this stuff, the Jane Austen stuff.