When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.