I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.