Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.