You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My favorite animal is steak.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.