If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.