Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.