Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.