Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Doubt is the father of invention.

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.